A Journey of Heartbreak, Healing, and Rediscovery
Ballet and I have had a complicated relationship. It has been my greatest passion, my deepest heartbreak, and, most recently, my most profound rediscovery on my journey of figuring out what matters the most to me in life. But now, after everything I’ve been through in life, I dance with more love than ever before, and I never want to stop.
The Love Story Begins
I grew up in the world of pre-professional ballet training—an environment where discipline was everything, expectations were sky-high, and sacrifice was non-negotiable. Ballet wasn’t just something I did; it was who I was. Every rehearsal, every correction, every grueling class was part of a relentless pursuit of excellence. I pushed myself to the limit, chasing perfection, craving approval, and living for the moments when the hard work paid off.
But loving ballet that deeply came at a cost. The heartbreaks were many: casting disappointments, overuse injuries, and the realization that no amount of effort could completely shield me from the politics and pressures of the ballet world. Over time, the passion that once fueled me began to burn me out. Then came the injuries—the ones that just wouldn’t go away. My body, worn down from years of training, eventually told me in no uncertain terms that it had had enough.
The Heartbreak of Letting Go
Hip surgeries in my mid-twenties forced me to step away. My surgeon told me that I shouldn’t dance anymore, and for years I believed that was how my life had to be moving forward. As the years went by following my surgeries, ballet became a part of my past rather than my present. I threw myself into other aspects of life—career, family, other forms of exercise, new creative outlets—but the ache of missing ballet never truly left me.
I convinced myself that I had moved on. But deep down, I hadn’t fallen out of love with ballet, nor had I achieved all I’d wanted to. Ballet and I had unfinished business.
Finding My Way Back
It took seven years, a stint of taking Irish dance classes, the COVID-19 pandemic, and having a child for me to finally realize that I very much wanted to step back into a ballet studio. The moment I did, I knew I was home. Then began the mindset shift, which is still an ongoing process: It wasn’t about chasing perfection anymore. It wasn’t about proving anything to anyone except myself. It was just about moving, about feeling the music, about being in my body in a way that felt right again.
Coming back wasn’t easy, but I’d spent four years consistently practicing Pilates before returning to ballet, which helped immensely. Despite the years away from ballet class, my technique remained intact, and for the first time, I felt physically strong enough to support it. More importantly, I was no longer dancing solely out of obligation or external pressures—I was dancing for the love of it, with a renewed sense of purpose and ambition that was entirely my own. And that changed everything.
Loving Ballet More Than Ever
Now, ballet is something I cherish in a way I never could when I was younger. I no longer take it for granted. Having lost it and found it again, I appreciate every class, every tendu, every moment at the barre and in the center. I dance because I love it—not because I have to, not because I’m chasing an ideal, but because ballet is part of me.
I know now that I never truly lost ballet. It was always there, waiting for me to be ready to embrace it again. And I never want to let it go.
To anyone who has ever walked away from something they love—whether by choice, by circumstance, or by necessity—know this: if it truly belongs to you, it will find its way back. And when it does, you may just love it more than you ever thought possible.